My daughter has written a short piece about a conversation we had recently and is submitting it to an online magazine she adores. I guess this is only fair since she often figures into my writing, but still. She very generously makes me sound only half as crazy as I am in person.

She was talking about back to school and mentioned that there were YouTube videos of girls in her school fighting. I’m not surprised. School fights are dramatic and quick, so they are perfect for YouTube. She has never felt threatened in school, and is not someone who would either pick a fight or end up in one, but we have talked about how to handle yourself in these spontaneous school chaos moments. She is excellent at dodging, darting and throwing elbows to get herself through a crowd.

The problem is that it makes me furious to think that anyone would even accidentally hit my child. So I get a little strident when dispensing advice about self-protection. There was girl in 5th grade who was “jokingly” punching other girls in the arm, but it actually hurt, so I introduced her to the knife/gun fight theory.

I told her the next time the girl punched her in the arm to punch her back twice as hard. She did it and the girl never joked with her that way again.

I resurrected this advice the other day and inadvertently provided material for “My Mother’s Advice on How to Fight”, where I guess I said, and I quote her article, “Go ISRAELI ON THEIR ASS!” In my defense, my point was that if you immediately CRUSH any infraction the opposition will never mess with you again and you have established a reputation that will prevent further incidents indefinitely. Worked for me.

It is a wonderful thing that my gentle hearted daughter has two parents. Her father, while of Jewish extraction, has no Masada tendencies, and so is a more reasonable source of advice in this instance. Me, I have always loved the moment that Indi pulled out his gun and shot the guy with the fancy sword.