Spring Cleaning

I need a scientific name for the bi-yearly sickness precipitated by switching from cold season to warm season clothing after which you discover that you have “nothing to wear”.

I am sure I managed to get dressed and go out of the house all spring and summer last year, and yet when I look in my closet, and my sparsely filled drawers, I can no longer imagine how this can be so. I am afflicted with the syndrome know as “I have nothing to wear”.

My inventory is as follows:

  • 5-6 long sleeve white linen shirts
  • 1 blue long sleeve linen shirt
  • 4-5 white cotton scoop neck shirts, 3/4 sleeve
  • 2-3 blue cotton scoop neck shirts, 3/4 sleeve
  • half dozen black tank tops (for layering)
  • half dozen white, coral and blue tank tops (for layering)
  • 1 pair black crop pants
  • 1 pair cream crop pants
  • 2 pair cropped jeans

and… a whole lotta assorted clothes that are really only appropriate for gardening or hanging out on the deck. Some of these clothes can’t even be inflicted on neighbors in the front yard, they are reserved for painting and car washing.

And yet I couldn’t say with any clarity what clothes I need to feel like “I have something to wear”. I must be missing something, surely there are cute little tops or candy colored sweaters hiding in an attic bin. Maybe that is part of the disease, your vision narrows, your choices seem reduced and you turn into a teenager on the verge of a tantrum.

I dub this syndrome – Vestimentum paralisis based on the fact that I open the closet and stand there. Staring. As if something will change if I stare long enough.

Maybe I can start a conspiracy theory: They (the magic They that is the foundation of all good conspiracy theories) put something in the water, or subliminal messages on the TV, convincing you that you have nothing to wear so you need to go shopping and stimulate the economy. Its all a [Government, Republican, Communist, Chinese, Apple] plot to manipulate you!

Resist! Don’t shop! Based on experience the paralysis clears up with no intervention whatsoever. However, randomized, double-blind studies show that symptoms may be reduced or relieved by the purchase of new summer shoes…