I am bored with my job.
My work contributes to the good in the world and I do it well. I am efficient, timely and organized and everyone I work with is thrilled with my performance. The problem is, I feel like it takes about 20% of my attention span and 5% of my creative thinking skills to earn those buckets of praise. So I am bored. Thrilled to have a well-paying job, extra thrilled that my boss is as flexible as a Yogi when it comes to my life duties with my child, but bored nonetheless. Like an onion being peeled a bit every day, I am feeling diminished.
My Dad’s response to someone saying they were bored was to say “Only boring people are bored” and then make you clean the basement or scrape peeling paint off the porch. So I am self occupying rather than waiting to be assigned some more onerous work.
I am taking a class.
I am committed to writing my blog.
I am pasting photos in the photo albums.
I am trying to think about how to change from this perfectly fine job and into a career that I care about. I have Time for Reflection and I am suffering from Reflection Block.
Once upon a time in the very distant past I hit a similar impasse and sat down one really awful night and wrote a list of things that needed to be different in one year or I would do X. I came across this list while moving out of that apartment several years later and had somehow managed to launch myself into X even though I didn’t have any conscious memory of sticking to the list. Maybe I will do that again and see what happens.
However at the moment I still feel like Sisyphus with his empty task, endlessly repeated. I keep trying to interpret my current time and place as a sand mandala, just a lesson in accepting the transitory nature of life. Haven’t been able to get there yet. What I desperately do NOT want to do is just fill up time or waste time. Soft addictions like books, movies and the Internet feel like acceptable entertainment, except when you know they are being used to deflect and distract thinking.
Time always runs out and cannot be stored. I better figure out what to do.